"Are you sure, sweetheart, that you want to be well?"
-Minnie, The Salt Eaters
Sunday night, the silence of being alone creaked throughout my apartment. As I sat frozen on my couch, I immediately became uncomfortable. The realization that no one was coming or calling, there would be no one to cuddle, just me. For as long as I've been alive, I've told myself alone is my safe place, but in this szn of my life, this szn asking me, do I truly want to be well? This szn forcing me into true womanhood has got me shedding the defense mechanisms and facing the mirror.
A few weeks ago, I got a reading, s/o to @keemhasthedream! And in that reading, they asked me did I genuinely want to be well, and to do that, it was time to face my inner child and let her take a break from navigating my life... Fast forward to Sunday night after many weeks of the same message and a breakup. I recoiled into myself as the silence of my insatiable loneliness rang in my ears...
"For the majority of my life, I have been a child"
I guess the prefrontal cortex is givin because that realization slipped from my mouth so sure and easily as I now sat in my bed trying to shake this feeling. A lonely, love-starved child wanting someone to see me, love me, affirm me, and for so long, she has been guiding my life... But something about this szn is asking her to rest and for me to grow up for real this time. The shedding is saying no more, ushering me into the change I prayed for, into womanhood, and into accountability for self.
So now I ask, do we genuinely want to be well? Because wholeness is truly no trifling matter and requires so much uncomfortable work, but now I think I'm ready. I want nothing more than to be fully nourished by everything in my life, so I must till this land and cultivate it no matter how hard it becomes, because hard it has been! Facing hard truths, doing the uncomfortable work of sitting with myself after years of trying to run away from me of trying to give me away. I now want nothing more than to love from a secure place and not out of desperation to get comfortable in the discomfort and to love me better than any lover or friend could because she deserves that, I DESERVE that! So I'm ready to be well, ready to come home to me.
P.S Here's a link to some things keeping me company and a poem on shedding. Thanks for reading!
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